Meadowlands announces major changes for 2015Thursday, December 18, 2014 - from the Meadowlands Mock Media Relations Department East Rutherford, NJ --- After a successful 2014 season, The Meadowlands will be making several major changes for the 2015 season to pique the interest of bettors and to further distinguish the New Meadowlands as the industry leader in innovation.
Starting in January, races will be contested at various distances, which will include a 3/4th mile sprint, a 2 mile marathon, and a steeplechase.
“We passed around the hat at the Victory Sports Bar and got a lot of positive feedback to make harness racing more like the thoroughbreds,” said Chairman Jeff Goral. “Perhaps those drunk guys are right.” When asked whether the details have been finalized, Goral responded, “There are a few things that still need to be worked out. For the steeplechase, we’re not sure how we can get the sulkies to make the jump over the fence, but we’ll leave that for the drivers to figure out.”
The Championship Meet will also feature the return of camel racing, like never seen before. The Meadowlands will include 5 pari-mutuel camel races on each card.
“The bettors have responded well to the camel races that we’ve showcased in the past,” said an ecstatic Darin Zaccoli, “so why not make some money on them?” “We believe that this wagering option will level the playing field, allowing novice handicappers to pick winners just as well as the experts. I wish we could bring out the camels sooner, but they don’t respond well to the NJ winters. This has generated a lot of interest from our UAE partners, who absolutely love camel racing.” When asked about how he will establish morning lines for camel races, DZ stated, “No one questions my methods now, so why would that change?”
Goral was elated as well, stating that camel racing was a better business model for the long run. “Camels are low overhead; they don’t eat or drink much. And since they are used to going long distances, we can run the same camels 4 and 5 times a day. As you’ve seen from our classification system, no one cares about who or what is actually racing. If people will bet on rats from Balmoral or Freehold, they will bet the camels. Also, I’m getting tired of calling on those sub-par tracks just to help fill the entry box.” When asked about safety concerns with running camels multiple times per day, he responded, “A perfectly healthy camel already walks like he’s lame, so the public will never know the difference. Perception is reality.”
If camel racing proves successful, it’s already been suggested that the Hambletonian be replaced by the Cameltonian in 2016 at a fraction of the purse money. The inaugural event will also be coupled with a beauty pageant to award one lucky lady the title of “Miss Camel Toe”.
When asked for final comments about the upcoming changes, Goral simply stated, “I’m all about da bass, ’bout da bass…”
http://www.theonion.com/iwunderwhowillactuallyclikondislink
