Today's funny

[careless hal]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
 
"That's us in 10 years".
 
He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!
 

[Jeremy]

After a night of racing St. Calvin was feeling pretty good about himself so he stopped off at the Circle K on the way home.  He put a dollar on the counter and asked the clerk for a condom saying he feels lucky.  After thinking about it for a second the clerk instead rings St. Calvin up for a lottery ticket and hands it to him.  Puzzled St. Calvin said that he wanted a condom and not a lottery ticket,  to which the employee replied 'you have better odds getting lucky with this'

[badolpuddytat]

Today's funny ha, That has to be P. Val. for his retirement! How long is it going to last?

[Just Saying]

The teacher asked the class of children, who could use the word "fascinate" in a sentence? Several hands went up.

She called on little Amy, who said, "We went to Disney World and it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That's very nice, but you used fascinating instead of fascinate."

Next she called on Molly, who said, "When I saw The Golden Gate Bridge I was fascinated." To which the teacher corrected, "You used fascinated when the instead of fascinate, which is incorrect."

An excited Little Johnny was next. He sprang to his feet and loudly said, "My Aunt Polly got a beautiful new sweater with ten buttons... but her tits are so big she could only fasten eight!"

The teacher just sat down and wept.

[sea biscuit]

After a night of racing St. Calvin was feeling pretty good about himself so he stopped off at the Circle K on the way home.  He put a dollar on the counter and asked the clerk for a condom saying he feels lucky.  After thinking about it for a second the clerk instead rings St. Calvin up for a lottery ticket and hands it to him.  Puzzled St. Calvin said that he wanted a condom and not a lottery ticket,  to which the employee replied 'you have better odds getting lucky with this'

Good one Jeremy. 

Back in the day (early eighties) at Blue Bonnets and with odds like that I had always wondered why they used to have condom dispensing machines hung up on the walls of their bathrooms.

[AmyHollar]

 

[The Giss]

Good one Jeremy. 

Back in the day (early eighties) at Blue Bonnets and with odds like that I had always wondered why they used to have condom dispensing machines hung up on the walls of their bathrooms.

Because if you are picking up chicks at the racetrack you BETTER use one.

[tonyb147]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at
her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

[tonyb147]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?' "I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[LVGaryD]

 

[pezz97]

 

[sea biscuit]

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: