Author Topic: today's funnies  (Read 936 times)

jordanjacob

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today's funnies
« on: November 14, 2012, 11:07:56 AM »
I never heard these before:


This real asshole bitch looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

***

I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their tits.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

LVGaryD

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2012, 03:29:25 PM »
 rflmao1 rflmao1 rflmao1

Dolfan

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2012, 03:46:00 PM »
So glad you can maintain your sense of humor!   thumbsup thumbsup

scojer

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2012, 05:03:13 PM »
 rflmao1 rflmao1 rflmao1 bowdown

CyberChamp

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2012, 05:12:31 PM »
So glad you can maintain your sense of humor!   thumbsup thumbsup

 thumbsup  bowdown

AmyHollar

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2012, 05:24:10 PM »
I see at least on future Facebook status.  rflmao1

careless hal

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2012, 09:39:49 PM »
Last one was my fav!! rflmao1 rflmao1 rflmao1





A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
 
 
 
 
 
 



When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

 
 
 
 
 
 



While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia .." 
 
 
 
 
 



Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
 

 
 
 
 
 

The Skipper

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2012, 09:43:09 PM »
 thumbsup thumbsup rflmao1 rflmao1 rflmao1

pezz97

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2012, 10:37:28 PM »
 rflmao1 rflmao1 rflmao1

connected comer

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2012, 07:12:54 AM »
 rflmao1 rflmao1

tonyb147

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Re: today's funnies
« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2012, 10:07:05 AM »
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..."

 

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