Today's Funny

[sea biscuit]

These two nuns have been told to paint a room in the church thats being renovated, but they can't get paint on their habits. So they decide to paint in the nude.

There is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask.

"Blind man." says a voice.

They figure if he's blind it's okay and say "Come in."

A man enters and says "Nice tits, where do you want your blinds?"

 

[Just Saying]

A ladies' foursome is on the golf course when one of them hit a really bad shot onto a neighboring hole. A fellow that was teeing-up was struck with by the stray ball and immediately dropped his hands to his groin and fell to the ground, writhing in pain.

One of the ladies rushed to the injured man and said, "I'm a massage therapist and I can help ease your pain, just lie still." She loosened his pants and proceeded too give him a very erotic and intimate massage. He seemed much more comfortable and relaxed.

She asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "That feels great, lady... but I think my thumb is still broken.

[careless hal]

 
 

 

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 

 
 

 
 

[Hugh Jass]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . .
. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....













 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

[careless hal]

Well, Hugh, I heard that a "contract" had been put on your head.  Now I know why!!

I turned it down.  Only $1,000.  Not enough to bother starting my car.

[Brush and Crush]

funny commercials

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOuYjhe1DMw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytc0fGz3mLo

[Just Saying]

Two blondes were sipping coffee at Starbucks when a landscaping truck drove by with a load of sod. One said, "If I ever hit the lotto I'm going to do that."

Her friend asked, "Do what?"

The blonde answered, "DUH...Send my lawn out to have it mowed."

[The Giss]

Many of you have probably seen it, but i found this commercial berilliant

        http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/

 

[beans and weenies]

 

[Yeah Baby]

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golfevery
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern.'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts torub herself all
over him and says,


'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.


Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this

time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.
 

   

[Just Saying]

A professor at The University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' and the students appeared uninterested, so to liven things up, he pointed to a young lady in the front row and asked, "What do you think your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order to the classroom.

[Hugh Jass]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge  around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up  to maximum speed on the long corridors.   

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.   

 

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.    "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.   

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!  Have you got proof of insurance?"

 

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. 

 

Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."   

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Hal  stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again.

[Just Saying]

Sounds like the Hal I know. 

[sea biscuit]

A professor at The University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' and the students appeared uninterested, so to liven things up, he pointed to a young lady in the front row and asked, "What do you think your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order to the classroom.

Enjoyed that.

 

[Brush and Crush]

Sounds like the Hal I know.