Sunday Funnies

[careless hal]

A guy gets married and is waiting for his wife on his honeymoon. She walks out of the bathroom in a flimsy little lingerie and says, "Now be gentle, I'm a virgin." The guy says, "I'm your fourth husband....how can you be a virgin?" The woman says, "Well, my first husband turned out to be gay and he wouldn't do it. My second husband was an acoholic and he couldn't do it. And my third husband was a Cub fan. He kept saying, 'Wait till next year...wait till next year!'

[NIATROSS]

 

[Just Saying]

He kept saying, 'Wait till next year...wait till next year!'

There is a running electronic scroll sign in our VFW that says: Free Beer Tomorrow! among other things.

It cracks me up when people don't get the joke. IT"S ALWAYS GOING TO BE TOMORROW, NOT TODAY!

They must be Cub fans.

[tonyb147]

Top 8 Morons of the year

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted 'That's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!?

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Just Saying]

As I was walking through the park on my lunch hour I noticed an Old Lady sitting on a bench, sobbing uncontrolably. I asked waht was wrong. She replied, "I have a 22 year old husband who is incredibly handsome. He is the world's greatest lover; he makes love to me every morning, then makes me pancakes, sausages, fresh fruit along with my favorite coffee fresh ground." Then went back to sobbing.

"But what is wrong?" I asked. "Every day he makes me a gourmet lunch, with my favorite soup, cleans the kitchen, the makes sweet love to me before my afternoon nap." More sobbing.

But what is wrong? "He does all the household chores while I nap, then makes me a fabulous gourmet 5 course supper with deliciously rich desserts and my favorite wine, fresh flowers, then makes love to me until 2:00a.m." Now she's sobbing even harder.

But What in the world do you have to cry about?! She sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

[LVGaryD]