Today's Funny

[careless hal]

 



Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golfevery
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern.'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts torub herself all
over him and says,


'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.


Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this

time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.
 

[sea biscuit]

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golfevery
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern.'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts torub herself all
over him and says,


'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.


Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this

time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.
 

Poor Vern

 

[beans and weenies]

 

[sea biscuit]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[AmyHollar]

 

[Jeremy]

her name is Cinnamon

[Hugh Jass]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[old and slow]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Bring this one back in a month or so

[Hugh Jass]

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left. 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,  'How long before I can get a haircut ?'

The barber looked around at the  shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the  same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a  haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and  a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,  'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The  barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves ?'

Bob looked up,  wiped the tears from his eyes and said,



'Your house !'

[AmyHollar]

BAHAAAHHHHHHaaaaaa.........

[The Giss]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And, this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[sea biscuit]

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left. 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,  'How long before I can get a haircut ?'

The barber looked around at the  shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the  same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a  haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and  a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,  'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The  barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves ?'

Bob looked up,  wiped the tears from his eyes and said,



'Your house !'

Good one Hugh.

 

[careless hal]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

 

[Just Saying]

Two guys were playing golf when one hits a shot out of bounds beyond a berm onto another hole. He heads over to retrieve his ball but spins around and heads back.

His buddy asks what's up. The golfer says, "Shit! My wife and my girlfriend are on the green of the other hole." The buddy sneaks up to peek over the berm, comes back and says, "Small world ain't it."

[Hugh Jass]

 
These two nuns have been told to paint a room in the church thats being renovated, but they can't get paint on their habits. So they decide to paint in the nude.

There is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask.

"Blind man." says a voice.

They figure if he's blind it's okay and say "Come in."

A man enters and says "Nice tits, where do you want your blinds?"